Honesty on its Way!

Yes I haven't blogged in years and this is what my re-entry post is going to be! It's the last Wednesday of 2015 and I am determined to motivate my belly off... literally! Not my butt, my belly!

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First let me say even though I was so close to my goal years ago and have gained half the weight back, I have been working very hard on noticing why I put the weight back on! I have been working on loving myself regardless of how much extra fat I am holding onto. I believe I have come a long way emotionally and am ready to attack this with a healthier outlook.

My Goals...

• As far as weight goes I think 155 by February 1st is a good first bit.
• No fast food will be a thing.
• I will be exercising everyday.
• And water needs to be a thing as well.

Food...
Food is how I got back here. I have still been exercising a lot and I am stronger in many ways than I used to be, but I emotionally eat. My food controls me instead of me controlling my food... and I done with the overly accepted chains of gluttony!




Water...
I still don't really drinking water. I have been trying to drink warm lemon water before anything else in the morning, so I will kick that up a gear.



Exercise...

Anything to get my mind off of this. I will not be target exercising because I think that just puts in me an unhealthy place in my head, and then I physically attack body parts that I truly still love. I love that my body allowed me to carry 4 healthy babies and have them all naturally! I have a lot of stretch marks, but I don't really care that they are there, I just don't like the jiggle, lol.

So I will be waking up to do Ashtanga yoga by myself in the morning and I will throw in anything else I feel like that day... P90x, Turbo Fire, a class at my Gym, a video with a friend or maybe even a jog with my kid.



Difficulties...
I am lazy and have been so off and on lately that it will take a lot to stay on, but I can, I have and I will.



Successes...
I never let myself gain ALL the weight back!



Motivation...

(These clothes WILL fit me again!)

Youth Pastor's Conference

Goodness gracious!!! Wow, did I have a good time at the Youth Pastor's conference!!!!

I can't tell you we had crazy amazing events or anything, but God really did a work in my heart! This blessed me so greatly that I would take these days learning in His presence over a thousand elsewhere...
Is it better to gain the whole world and forfeit my soul? (Mark 8:36)

I have been born again for 15 years now, but a good many years of those were eaten by the locusts. I do believe that God allowed this to grow me more into the woman He wants me to be.  I was still baring fruit in my life, but a lot of it was simply getting eaten away.
"I will repay you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust, and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you" (Joel 2:25)

About 4 years ago I really began to feel God starting to restore those eaten years. My family moved into a large home with my in-laws in 2008.
That alone made it a trying time, but not long after the move my baby brother almost died, this caused a snow ball effect for other life changing things to happen.

During his 4 months in the hospital I was breaking down and getting torn apart.  There were many family struggles and hurtful words said. The support system I thought I had in place really broke down on me.  God wanted to show me that He was all I needed. He had a plan.

I started going to a Christian Physiologist soon after. God used this time to show me He wanted to put the broken pieces of me back together again. His plan of healing consisted of me being broken down again. Did you know a fractured bone can be stronger after it's been broken? Well, God wanted to work on my rebelliousness and call me even closer to Himself.

He called us out of our church... and to say the least, this transition was not a smooth one. He definitely used it for our good.  During this move He took me to my Damascus road and He removed the scales from my eyes.

With our church move, we ended up moving to a new home as well.
At our new church I have a beautiful group of friends and these were some of the friends I was at this conference with. I am happy to have my roots grow deep here and also to have them be intertwined with the roots of my friends as we withstand trials together.

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I know a lot of what God showed me this week was things I simply needed to be reminded of, but I am excited in the fact that a promise has been made to me. A promise that God is restoring by broken vessel.
You see He told me my obedience here is just the beginning. He said "go home and turn not, for in doing so you will turn it upside down".  I have been convicted for too many years to tear down the idols that have been built up in my family from generation to generation. I took this issue strongly to the Lord in prayer, I gave this to Him, and that was my obedience.  You see these idols have torn parts of my family to pieces and I don't want that to happen to me and my husband, or to my children or their children, I want to turn things upside down in The Lord's name!

I am convicted to be a woman of action, and I am excited to say that I don't think I have ever felt as much hope as I do now!  I actually am excited about obedience!  That is CRAZY for me!

What's even MORE crazy is all these years I have learned of God's grace, and even taught of His grace... but I never allowed myself to receive that grace. In my own pride I always believed I didn't deserve it even though teaching it, I know it is something that no one deserves.

My youth pastors years ago always taught me that it had to be more than head knowledge, it had to be heart knowledge. Now my pastor as of late has been teaching on how this grace has to drop... drop from your head to your heart! Listening to these messages have been frustrating because I knew this was not something I could simply WILL to happen within myself, so I prayed and I'm pretty sure I was even grieving over it.

Well this week, it DROPPED!

I realized after listening to Pastor Levi Lusko's first message, along with thinking on my son's 7-11 story (which I don't think I've written) and how we could have lost him, but we didn't... but Pastor Levi lost his daughter!

This was when I really understood grace! I don't deserve my children! They are a gift! I didn't deserve for God to keep my son safe, but He did... I could have woke up in the morning with my front door wide open and my son gone! But God brought my son back home to me! "How does a mom go through this and flipping NOT understand grace?" I said this weeping... ...then I realized it dropped.

I realized this is exactly how God's grace is for me in all things. ALL of them. I don't deserve it, but HE loves me, so He gives it, amazing!

Out this week...

I'm at a youth Pastor's conference with my hubby and good friends. We got up before 4am, so it's already been a long day, but the conversation has been enjoyable and the fellowship sweet!

These kind of things make me so excited for the day we all will be together for eternity! I love it!!!

Geez! I have a big mouth! hahaha

Happy Sunday!

Awww! Church friend flashback!
This is so adorable!  This is my two girls (in the middle) with their two sister friends that used to go to our church.  They are really very missed, my daughter talks about them all the time, it's sad when friends move away.

Like my little one and her Alfalfa hair?! It's from when her brother chopped her hair off!

Football!

I LOVE this pic of my hubby! It's from our anniversary 2 years ago...




I'm so excited for him, he gets to go see his first NFL football game today!  We've been to collage games together, but he's never seen the pros!

My hubby loves football in person more than watching it on tv, here is a pic of him on New Year's day after the annual football game our church men like to play.

I LOVE watching him play! I always tell him I want him to coach someday.

Our youngest son already loves football (notice his football jammies? :) maybe my hubby will coach for his team someday.

Stitches!

She looks happy here, but she was just a trooper!

Not long after I last updated in 2011 my youngest daughter cut her hand and needed stitches!  I have had crazy experiences with my son running in the street and giving him the heimlich maneuver but never any real emergency room type accidents.

Poor thing, she tripped with a plate in her hand and landed on a broken piece when she caught herself on the floor. When I saw her hand I could see straight through to the muscle in her thumb!!!

She was amazing letting me tape it shut, she was amazing in the car and the nurses when she got there were amazed by her as well!  Such a strong little girl!  I love her so much!

Here she is all casual in the doctor's office now.  Even after all she went through, she is not scared of going back.

I thought it was funny how she was sitting there like a little woman! :)

I can't believe she's turning 5 this month!!!

I am so Blessed

Wow I am amazed at how sweet you guys are, coming in and checking on me.  Thank you Crafty Mama of Four for visiting me even when my blog was not in the land of the living! :)

And you too Mary, especially for telling me you missed me!!!
This blesses me more than you know.



So, let me try to fill in the past 2 years - oye!

My Blog...
Well obviously it hasn't been very appealing to me, I have been all over Facebook, more recently on Instagram and I'm now new to Pinterest which I LOVE!  Most of that has been from my phone, which is another huge reason I don't blog... I just don't often get on my computer anymore.

As I come back I realize I like things more simplified now.  The layout of my blog before was driving me away.  I wasn't quite ready to let go of my framed pictures yet though.

Life...

As you my have noticed from the updated pics...
I am now blonde... my hubby has a beard...
my kids are HUGE...

AND... there is an extra stranger in this picture here.  That's my lil brother, he's been living with us for about 7 months now.  He was living with our oldest sister and her 5 kids, but her hubby passed away in May, so we took the responsibility of him off her hands.

We plan on moving very soon, possibly buying a house.  This is both terrifying and exciting all at once!  All 7 of us are currently in a 2 bedroom apartment!

I am no longer homeschooling my children.

I still struggle with depression, but I fight it MUCH better now.
Let's see... I really wanted to dreadlock my hair, but found I get traction alopecia from the pulling tension of even smaller braids.

Health & Fitness...

I am now around 145 lbs.  This is 10 pounds below what I told you my last goal was.  I still have maybe another 5 or 10 pounds to go... depends on muscle.

I DID finish another round of P90x and now I have moved on to TurboFire! I like this program a lot!  All the intense cardio we do does great things for my fatty tummy!  The HIIT training makes me sweat harder than P90x ever did... well other than Plyo!

I am not currently on top of my game with eating clean... I have also been sick as of late and do not find enough energy for my work out videos.

Scrapbooking...
I haven't been scrapping much at all.  I have most my stuff packed away for moving, but I do plan on picking it back up to at least finish a baby album for each of my children.  The first 3 LOVE looking at their albums, so I definitely cannot NOT make one for my littlest man!


My Walk...
Just yesterday I was reading back on a note my friend wrote for me in 2009.  She had taken notes on what I was struggling with at the time, and now 3 years later it was really nice to see how much has really changed.  God is so good in my life.  I love Him now more than I did yesterday, and I pray that is how it will ALWAYS be.


Thanks for visiting guys, I will see you again soon.

Weigh-In

Here I am again mid-week telling ya'll how I'm doing.  I would be happy for more comments if anyone's out there, or maybe if some of you want to join in? :)

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So how is everything going?

My Goals

• Weigh 158 by May!  (9 months on - 9 months off)
• Finish 90 days of P90X also scheduled in May.

Food

I had a difficult day yesterday when we were at youth group.  I brought salad that I ate, but I also had 2 pieces of pizza, like 4 pieces of french bread with pudding in it and a small chocolate cupcake!!!  For shame! lol  One of each of those things would have been better, but what is past is past, now I...
... "Reach forward to what lies ahead" - Phil. 3:13

Water

Again - I have not made it to 8 cups a day!  Why is this so hard for me?

Exercise

I am now in Week 2 of P90X and it's feeling pretty good!  I am burning a good amount of calories and I think I am already seeing a difference in my overall shape :).  No pictures till 30 days though :).

• 'Yoga X' was pretty hard last Thursday.  I made sure my knees were off the ground this time for every upward-dog position!  Yaay!  I can't wait to find my sweet spot in the crane balance pose!  I want it so bad!  And just to stay standing on one leg the whole time during "standing splits" is going to be my goal!
• 'Legs and Back' on Friday felt great!  I remember doing the first set of wall squats, I was feeling the muscles in my legs thinking "wow they are there!" yaay!  I felt strong that day.
• 'Kenpo X' was actually more fun and a little easier than I remember doing in the past.  But I couldn't remember that is was THIS DVD that keeps you moving with all the jumping-jacks and X-jumps in between!  Maybe I need to BRING IT more this Saturday to be more sore this Sunday :).
• Sunday I did not do 'Stretch X' as we went out for Valentine's day :).  But we did end up dancing for about an hour, we were sweaty, so I know that was a good alternative! :)
• 'Chest and Back' on Monday was a little disappointing at first because I really want to be better with deeper push-ups (on my knees) and more reps on pull-ups (with a chair), but when we went back to repeat movements I was proud to have up'd my numbers by 2 on all the ones I could do!
• 'Plyometrics' yesterday was hard on my knee, which is still a little sore today.  My heart-rate didn't go too high which felt nice.  My lungs were still sore afterwards, so I know it was a good workout!
• Last week I forgot to update on 'Ab Ripper X'!  This we do 3 times a week on all our lifting days, not on our cardio days.  So I have already done it 5 times with no update!  The first 4 moves I have to PUSH myself to do 20 reps when we are supposed to do 25, and BOY do they hurt!  Most the moves I modify just to get them done, like holding my calves up a little with my hands, or only lifting one leg when we go to the side.  I hate that something in my back pops every-time I do "hip-rock and raise", but I'm glad it doesn't hurt.  I do like Ab Ripper X since it attacks my biggest "problem area", so I really try to push myself to my best!

Challenges

I am still struggling with balance.  I don't want my priorities to be off.  If I can make time for this in my life, I should be able to make time for other things as well.  This just happens because I want it so bad.  Lord help me to be determined in more things than this!

Successes

I am on week two with no feelings of wanting to skip a day or give up yet!  That is pretty tremendous for me!

Plans for the Week

Straighten my priorities to be a determined person in all things!

Motivation

This is a picture back from July of 2009 when I was about 5 pounds less than what I weigh now.  I still wear these jeans (baggy) and this belt, but I am not using that flower hole yet.

This will be a smaller first goal for me :)  Baby steps.

My Weight loss Plan

:) Okay so now that I am out of "my cloud", last week I started watching my weight again.


In case you haven't been reading, here is...

My Back Story:
In May 2009 I was 185 lbs (highest ever).
I got down as low as 158 lbs in December 2009 (27 lbs lost in 7 months).
Then I got pregnant and went up to 185 lbs again :) a good gain.

I was done making excuses before and am not going back! No more poor eating habits and excess weight. I want to be healthy and LIVING when it is my turn to be a grandma!


My Goals:
My all time goal is to get down to 130(ish) - I'll start to see what is reasonable when I get there.
That is a 40 lb loss, reasonably by December of 2011 when I stay on track.

My first goal will be to hit my pre-pregnancy weight first though :)  158 lbs by May!  When I hit that first goal my planned reward is a pair of new jeans!

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So how's everything going?

Food

I am following the old Weight Watchers program on my own from home.  I randomly decided to start in the middle of the week because I figured five days of good habits for one week was better than none :).  I am glad I did!

Water

More than before is always better - this is always a struggle of mine.

Exercise

Didn't happen last week.  I am going to work on a tangible home schedule/routine to follow with exercise on there!

Challenges

What was hard last week was dealing with my own attitude. When I want to change and get better but others don't, it bugs me.  I know I cannot force good habits on others.  I have been praying that I would see how selfish I am to not take care of myself, so as to not push my own personal conviction on others :(.

Successes

It was a good week, even though it wasn't technically a full one.  I was happy also to do well even though we had gone out to eat a couple times.  It is always nice to know you could make good choices while you are out, but it is another thing all together to actually DO IT! :)!

Plans for the Week

More water.  Exercise.  Set up a schedule/routine and follow it!

Motivation

I took some new "start" weight photos today!  And I was brave this time, but I won't share the full shots till I get some better after shots going! :) I was a little encouraged by the Biggest Loser I think!

So ideally I would like to see less around the tummy - front, sides and back.
But on top of that (good Lord willing) I would also like to have less on my arms and neck too.

The Cloud I've been Hiding In

I haven't been blogging much lately.

I've really been out of sorts with things these past two months or so.

I am just now finding my desire for interests again.

And now that I feel I am back into the swing of life again and am remembering THIS post from November and I am thinking back on having my other babies. I always went through about a 3 month funk! Whatever that funk is attributed to (postpartum depression, sleep deprivation, life-style adjustments, spiritual warfare, selfishness...) I feel I'm adjusting and coming out from behind the cloud now :)! Thank the Maker.

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Let me attempt at an update with the few pics I have taken from within "the cloud".

Back in September I became an Independent Mary Kay Beauty Consultant :) My first quarter through the middle of December went well as I was really trying to follow a work plan and set goals for myself. The start of my second quarter was very slow and now that I am "awake, alive" (see video below) and interested again it is all picking back up. God is faithful when I put even the smallest effort, He is good to bless me :).

This picture is meant to show you that I finally picked a lip color for myself :)...

While ditching out on MK goals and spending time trying to sleep or tv (= movies on my laptop, E.R. online, or Glee) my problems away my adorable little man has been growing like a weed! So cute he is! Squish-able in point of fact...

Even when I was at my worst these little people God is letting me borrow would smile at me and I knew I was still okay somewhere deep down...

Also while my little man was growing like a weed, my older girl turned 6!...

My younger girl turned 3...

And yes that big little man turned 6 months old! A whole 1/2 a year when it has seemed more like 2 months...

I LOVE him! He still smiles and giggles in his sleep. He is starting to roll a lot more on the floor not minding to be on his tummy. He will probably be in a size 4 diaper soon and is wearing mostly 9 month clothes. He has been eating rice cereal for about a week now and I think is definitely teething with the amount of drooling, gnawing, waking and fussiness. Clearly his favorite person is his Daddy and his favorite thing is a toss-up between the bouncer and his fuzzy blankie :)

Don't you just wanna chew on him? Muh!...

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If you actually read my post and didn't just scroll through my pictures and comment (which I am guilty of doing occasionally) you might wonder what I meant by mentioning being "awake and alive".

It's one of my favorite songs, by probably my favorite Christian band.

The song talks about being at war and being pulled into the dark (my cloud).

Lord I've struggled to find my faith as I've let myself slip from your arms. It's been hard to stay awake since I ironically wanted to sleep to escape the numbness, that feeling that seemed to drain my strength. But You've breathed into me and now I am awake and alive again! I'm fighting! I'll do what You want. I give You my life. I stand my ground. Help me not to back down! You've woken me up, thank You! I give You my heart. I give You my life.

Now out of that cloud hopefully I will once again be a "living" part of the community both blog and otherwise again :).

Thanks for reading - please comment so I know you are here too :).

May you always walk and talk with Jesus!